Even as we celebrate her life, we are all saddened by the loss of Ms. Zondra here at CCS.  While everyone grieves in their own way, sometimes we forget that children can be unique in their grief.  Expressions of grief in children may include:

* Emotional shock which may manifest as a lack of feelings (this is a protective response)
* Regressive behavior or acting as though they were a younger child (separation anxiety, difficulty finishing tasks, clinging to significant adults, etc.)
* Angry explosive behavior
* Asking the same questions repeatedly

What you can do to help:

* Listen to your child tell his/her story about their experiences and feelings regarding the loss and validate them.
* Remember your child's grieving process may differ from other children's process.
* Grieving is a process, not a single event and may take longer for some children than others.
* Help your child create their own memorial to remember Ms. Zondra (plant a flower or tree, draw a picture, write a poem or story, etc)

Adapted from the National Association of School Psychologists

For those of you who missed the "Limit Setting Through Positive Discipline" workshop I wanted to hit some of the highlights. We began the workshop by delineating the difference between punishment and discipline.  Punishment is a penalty inflicted for an offense which is often just a short-term solution.  It may stop the unwanted behavior but it rarely teaches a replacement behavior that is more appropriate.  Discipline involves training to act in accordance with the rule, which is a long-term solution that helps the individual develop life skills.

Positive discipline is rooted in the Adlerian concept that all behavior is goal-directed.  Understanding what your child is trying to accomplish is essential to successful redirection to a more appropriate approach to achieving that goal.  To do this requires the parent to look for underlying needs and feelings.  One way to do this is to implement a limit setting technique called ACT:    Acknowledge the feeling
                                                                          Communicate the limit
                                                                          Target an alternative

In practice it looks like this:

Ex: Austin, I know you really want to play with your friends, however, I need you to clean up the toys you were just playing with, so you may play outside with you friends as soon as you get the toys in here put away.

Ex: Bobbi, I understand that you are angry with your brother, but we don't hit each other b/c hitting hurts, but you can go hit your pillow or your beanbag chair until you can use your words.

You can also give choices:
Ex: Austin, you can choose to put your toys away and choose to go outside and play with your friends, or you can choose not to put your toys away and choose not go outside and play.  Which do you choose? (Please note that the word "choose" appears five times in the above scenario.  This is to emphasize that the child is making the decision and that every decision has a consequence.)

I have handouts available on both of these techniques and I am always happy to discuss specific scenarios if you are having trouble with redirection or choices.

In the long run, positive discipline is about instilling self-control in our children rather than exerting control over them.  The latter may work in the immediate situation, but the former gives your child a lifetime gift.

Parade Magazine (October 8, 2011) reported a recent study  by Kaiser Family Foundation  (2010) found that students ages 8-18 spend 7.5+ hours per day interfacing with technology (cell phones, TV, computers, Ipods and video games). Four out of ten adolescents report that they often are plugged into other media while on the computer.  This multi-tasking behavior has both positive and negative effects on kids' developing pre-frontal cortex, which is responsible for impulse control, reasoning, planning and social behavior.  While improving response time and ability to sift through information quickly and peripheral vision, it diminishes ability to concentrate for long periods of time.  Another recent study found that just 9 minutes of cartoon watching (fast frame) significantly decreased 4 year-olds' ability to focus.

Parents need to monitor kids digital activity as regularly as they do academic or extra-curricular activities.  Our children need us to model appropriate usage of media and technology as well.  Some suggestions for helping kids develop healthy habits include:

*Turn off or silence phones during dinner, conversation, driving, etc.

*Limit your own time with media as well as that of your children.

*Help them select age appropriate programs, video games and websites and watch/play with them sometimes to ensure you are comfortable with the content.

*Have conversations on the phone with your kids sometimes to help them develop their conversational skills.

Welcome to Parent Props, a forum for parents to develop/enhance parenting skills and knowledge in child development.  As a professional counselor who has worked with parents and children for over 20 years I hope to offer support and resources to parents at CCS and CCH.  Please feel free to ask questions and make comments about topics presented.  Some of your questions may become the focus of a future posting.